Fading Memory.

I was five when my mom passed away, and her memory is fading. I don't remember her voice. I don't remember her hugs. And what I do remember I am not completely sure is my own. I don't know if it's something my family has told me or something I have dreamed about and completely made up. Something I thought for years, I had to ask my Mamaw if I made it up, and she told me that I came to her about it after the funeral. I don't want to bring it up for it's very personal.

Things I do remember about my mom is about the night she entered the hospital and what had happened. I remember waking up to my Mamaw and Aunt Sue saying mom had been taken to the hospital. I remember not going to see my mom while she was in the hospital for several hours because I over heard the doctor's and my dad talking about doing a test on her brain. I thought this test was going to involve them shaving her head, and I did not want to see my mom bald. This test they were talking about was to see if my mom had any brain activity. I didn't know that. I was only 5. I don't remember if I knew my mom was dying. How would you tell a 5 year old that her mom was not going to be there anymore? I do think I knew what death was for at the beginning of the year, I had lost my Papaw, my mom's dad, and earlier in life lost my uncle and my dad's dad. When my mom was taken off life support and her heart stopped beating, my mamaw told me that I ran to the first nurse and told her my mom's heart had stopped, but I don't remember it.

The only part of the funeral I remember is that I was running in and out of the chapel to the family viewing room. Which I never got why the funeral home had a family viewing area for the funeral and you were separated from friends and other family in the chapel. Shouldn't the family be with the other mourners? Didn't get it then and don't get it now. I was running to my family and to my mom's close friend who I referred to as "Granny." Then I got in trouble for it. I do remember my dad getting on to me for it.

I remember a lot of random things from my childhood, and most of the things I remember members of my family don't. But when it comes to my mom, I just don't have those memories. I want to know who my mom was, and how much I am like her. Would she be proud of who I become?